Hope you like it. I know it is kind of bland and nothing really happens but I have been working on this chapter for weeks and I have finally just settled. Hopefully the ensuing chapters captivate you much better. Is it too telling? Can I show more? Does the dialouge feel natural or forced? Are there a lot of redundancies? Does it flow okay? Even though it might be a tad boring, do you still want to read more or is it like, eh? Let me know...Thanks for your help.
July 2007
Cassandra Montgomery dodged into the Red Carpet Club, eager to escape the heat. She had been gathering applications for a job all day long and nothing sounded better than a cold drink. Even though she looked a mess Cassandra plopped down on one of the red upholstered barstools, pain prickling her feet. The bartender, a bald man with a huge stomach, sidled up to her “What will it be?”
Feeling saucy, Cassandra winked at him. “Surprise me.”
He smiled broadly turning back to his assortment of alcohol and glasses. Cassandra turned her back to the bar to assess the rest of the club. It was a small establishment tastefully done in an Old Hollywood décor. True to its name there was a banner of red carpet winding its way through black tile. On the walls hung autographed photos of celebrities like Cary Grant, Marilyn Monroe, John Wayne, Bette Davis, and Elvis Presley.
There was a raised platform were a band obviously played, although their instruments stood lifeless at the moment. In front of the platform was a glittering dance floor with colored lights hanging overhead. Dotting the perimeter of the dance floor were little tables covered in crisp white linens. A few of the tables were occupied and Cassandra watched a busty cocktail waitress deliver a tray of drinks to a group of businessmen.
“Here you go.” Cassandra spun around to receive her drink from the bartender.
“Thanks,” She smiled taking a sip from the martini glass, “Mmm, that’s good what is it?”
“Gin, Cointreau, Curacao, and grapefruit juice.” He winked at her. “I call it a Sexy Maiden.”
Cassandra gave him a heart-stopping smile. “This place is nice. How long have you worked here?”
“About five years.” He answered washing his cocktail shaker with a white rag.
“You like it?” She took another sip of her drink.
“It’s a job.”
“Yeah, I’m looking for a job. I just moved here.” Cassandra felt dangerous opening up to this stranger, but she had come to California to take risks.
“Really? You want an application?”
“You hiring?” She’d take any job as long as it paid decent.
“We just had a waitress quit last night.” He dried out the shaker, placing it on the counter next to a mixing glass.
“Really? What is the money like?” Cassandra leaned forward, propping her elbows on the bar top.
“Its good. Three bucks an hour but you get tips. And a cutie like you would make big tips.” He winked again making Cassandra blush.
“Yeah, I’ll fill out an application.”
“Hold on let me get one from the back.” He disappeared behind a door and Cassandra spun back out to face the club. Taking a sip of her drink Cassandra noticed one of the businessmen staring right at her. He was gorgeous. Alarmingly handsome with dark hair, brooding brown eyes, and a muscular body encased in what had to be a designer suit. Feeling the blood rushing to her cheeks Cassandra averted her eyes to the drink in hand.
She could still feel his eyes on her and wondered what he thought of her appearance. She had styled her thick auburn hair in a chic chignon but throughout the day hair had escaped to frame her face messily. Cassandra had chosen to wear a navy blue blazer but as it had gotten hotter she had removed the jacket to reveal a beige chemise. As if that weren’t bad enough, she had gone for comfort and had worn a pair of faded jeans and sneakers. No doubt she looked a hot mess.
“Here you go,” The bartender had returned and nearly scared Cassandra off her barstool. Mentally reprimanding herself, Cassandra turned to take the white slip of paper being offered to her.
“You got a pen?” The question wasn’t even out of her mouth before she was being handed a blue ballpoint. “Thanks.” She bent over the form, quickly filling out her information. Suddenly, she felt the presence of someone by her arm. Looking up, she half expected to see the dark businessman standing there. Surprised she looked into the face of a rail-thin man with salt and pepper hair.
“Hello,” he smiled revealing a mouth of yellow, crooked teeth. “You applying for a job?” He nodded at the application.
Cassandra nodded, disgusted by the stench of onions and sweat that radiated off the man.
“Jimmy!” The bartender called out affably. “Looks like we got ourselves a new waitress.”
Jimmy turned back to Cassandra. “You got experience?”
“I worked as a hostess and a waitress for three years, right after high school.” She looked at the bartender. “I was going to go to school for bartending, but I ended up taking cooking courses at my community college.” Why was she blabbering so much to utter strangers?
“Jimmy’s the manager here.” The bartender hooked his thumb at the older man.
“Oh, Cassandra Montgomery,” She put out her hand. He shook it limply.
“What kind of hours are you willing to work? We’re open from noon to nine on the weekdays and then on Friday and Saturday we close at two.”
“I’ll work whatever, I just moved here and I really need a job.” Cassandra hoped she didn’t sound too desperate.
“When can you start?”
“Whenever.”
“You’re hired.”
Cassandra stuttered. She was grateful, but it shocked her to be hired so quickly. “Uh, thank you.”
“Ralph,” Jimmy turned to the bartender, “Get this girl an apron and a name tag. You start tomorrow, be here at noon.”
“Welcome to the team,” Ralph smiled.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
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LOOOOOOVVVVEEEE IT! please pm me when you write more! zOMG! I couldn't keep my eyes off the screen!
~jen
Okay, so I'm going to be extremely nit-picky, just because I'm in the mood. You've been warned
I don't like the use of the word "dodge". As you probably know, the beginning sentence of a piece is crucial, and this doesn't do your piece justice. Begin it with a hint of mystery; describe the heat in more dramatic terms; start it with a song. WHATEVER. Just something more original.
Awkward wording. I would do: She had been gathering job applications all day.
”
Missing punctation after her.
Okay, I couldn't help pointing out the missing comma here - it's too obvious to skip. You need some after broadly.
I notice that you do this a few times throughout the chapter. It is impossible to smile words. Either you need a period instead of a comma in the dialogue, or add she said after it.
Ooh, bad punctuation. Should be: "About five years," he answered, washing... You get it.
.
Three things: Comma, awkward wording, and the blush. Why is she blushing? Up until now she's been saucy, a bit brazen, and far from innocent. Odd that she should suddenly become so bashful... You need a comma after again, but I would reword this entirely, like this: He winked once more, and Cassandra grinned back.
Should be something like: "Hello." He smiled, revealing a mouth of yellow, crooked teeth.
T shouldn't be capital.
.
Period instead of comma in dialogue.
Again, you can't smile words.
You were right in your PM about the commas. But since you're aware of it, and I think I've already pointed out a good website to help with that, I didn't bother with most of them.
As to your questions...
Is it too telling? Not that I noticed.
Can I show more? Yes. Little details are always nice. Describe your MC more, also.
Does the dialouge feel natural or forced? A bit of half and half. At times it does seem natural, other times fake and kind of corny (That looks a lot more harsh than I meant it to be...)
Are there a lot of redundancies? Yes, when your characters "smile" their words. Actually, there's too much smiling going on in general, I think.
Does it flow okay? Yes, fairly well
Even though it might be a tad boring, do you still want to read more or is it like, eh? I didn't think it boring at all, honestly. I do want more. You've made me curious. Who's the hot guy? How does her new job go?
Keep writing, M.